Once we were all packed in the Aspire and continued to Tiki Toppi Pizza Shoppie, the car was silent. Not an uncomfortable silence, a “we are friends and kinda tired” silence. I started to ponder as the Aspire hummed down the freeway. I would start college in the fall and probably have to work night shifts at the MegaBookstore. That would mean no more Tum Tum and probably very limited Thoreau. I snuck a sideglance at Bouffanti and realized that as much as I wanted to be friends with him in the future, the reality was that i am just a summer diversion in an otherwise seemingly trendy life. The thought made me tear up a little and i sniffled, great some water works, and i sniffled again. What is that? It’s like a burnt egg smell, with a hint of…gross! One of the boys-
“Tum-Tum, that is nasty!” I said, breaking the cone of silence
“I can’t help it, Epi!” He said red-faced.
Bouffanti looked over at me in confusion then i saw his O-so-beautiful-eyes widen in realization, “Dude! what the heck?” I checked the rearview mirror to see Thoreau unaffected by the stench emitted by the still shammed Tum-Tum.
“Just roll down the window,” i said rolling my eyes. But, when the windows were rolled down the smell got worse. I looked at Tum-tum, not convinced that his flactulence had that kind of power. The power to influence the atmosphere-no wonder we have global warming! We have Tum-Tum unchecked or regulated by the EPA!
“Epi, see it’s the cows,” Bouffanti said pointing his graceful index finger to the offending bovine. I like the word “bovine”, i mean how much cooler a word is it than “cows”? Sir, can you cut me a piece off that fine-looking haunch of bovine? Okay, it is time for a coffee stop. I’m starting to get delirious.
“Can we go cow-tippin?” Tum-tum said, now perked up. “I’ve never been cow-tippin’ before and i think it would be so cool!”
“Dude, we just thought you pulled a funky and now you want to go to the funkiness?” Boufanti asked incredulous.
“Why not?” Tum-tum asked, clearly not seeing Boufanti’s point. And, to be honest, i wasn’t either. I mean yeah the bovine, hee bovine, smelled but isn’t there a better argument for not going cow-tipping?
“What about the map?” I asked.
“Aw c’mon, that tiki shoppie peperonni whatever, doesn’t close until 2 a.m. we got time.” Tum-tum reasoned.
“I’m game, ” Boufanti said, clearly his resolve for not doing something had been broken.
“It’s dangerous, ” I countered, “and what if we get gross and have to go home? then, we can’t go to the pizza toki tippsie.”
“Why not?” Thoreau chimed in. Once again, Thoreau chimes in to persuade us to do something completely random and stupid and…slightly illegal.
“Thoreau, really?” I asked.
“We can’t, ” Boufanti said, siding with me, “Epi is scared to do it. She wants to, she is just scared.” So much for siding with me.
Scared?! “I’m not scared,” i said, “I just don’t want to do it.”
“Right,” he said nodding.
“Epi, don’t be scared, ” Tum-tum said empathetically.
“I’m not scared. It’s just cow tipping isn’t my idea of fun.” I tried to air my nose the way, I’m sure, Boufanti does.
“See, guys, i told you.” Boufanti said. ooo, that irritates me!
“Fine, ” I said pulling the car over then inched my car away from a light pole. “Let’s tip a cow and then get back on the road.” I said.
Tum-tum’s imfamous hand clapping insued.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
I can’t believe I am here, in the middle of a field full of cows, preparing to tip a cow with Boufanti at the helm. he had taken off his peacoat and rolled up his abercrombie and fitch button-up.
“We will all have to work together, ” Buofanti instructed us, much like Gene Hackmen from “Hoosiers”. Tum-tum nodded and Thoreau stratched his chin, and i rolled my eyes. My converse were sinking into the mud and i was pretty sure that the mud was seeping into my socks. “On the count of three.”
The four of us got into stance and waited for the signal. “One,” Boufanti counted.
“We should come up with a war cry,” Tum-Tum suggested.
“Two,” Boufanti counted
“That’s a good idea, ” Thoreau agreed.
“Three!” Boufanti shouted, and we all darted forward towards the unsuspecting cow.
“Bovine!!” Tum-Tum screeched, as Boufanti face-panted into the mud. I lost control and started laughing at both, Boufanti covered in mud and the word “bovine.” Thoreau turned around to look at me. By the time I stopped laughing and pointing, Boufanti, Thoreau, and I turned to see Tum-tum run smack-dab into said bovine then hit the mud. However, there wasn’t time for us to laugh at Tum-tum as a farmer emerged as a silhoutte in the light of his open door frame. I stepped forward to run but quickly beefed it next to Boufanti, and i watched in horror as the farmer raised a shotgun to take aim at Thoreau.
I did the only thing that i could think of and grabbed a steaming clump of mud, we all know what it really is, and threw it at Thoreau’s head. As it impacted on his face, it did not have the desired result.
“How was that supposed to help?” Thoreau asked very calmly. Then, he turned and charged back towards the Aspire. Tum-tum, with grace as if on roller skates, blithely followed after him. I debated whether grabbing Boufanti and making a run for it but, felt that a bullet in my chest would look better to my parents than a bullet in the back. What am i talking about?
MegaBookstore Handbook with Bathroom graffiti:
Standard 12374.1a: Acceptable behavior in a life-or-death situation: Under circumstances that are, by definition, dire the following variation of behaviors are acceptable.
1q: Bargaining with whatever is on-hand or off-hand. Examples include older people with the reasoning being that they have less vigor to offer in times of war. A first born child with the promise that you hang a medallion around their neck with the reasoning being that it “worked before.” Or the person next to you, with the reasoning being that there is “instant gratification.” A small pouch of beans stating that “you never know what may happen.”
1r: Crying or otherwise bawling eyes out. Your life is about to end! It is okay to show emotion
1s:Anger. Who says they get a say in what you do or when you do it? I say, fight to the death!
*note: all behaviors are voided in the event that you are the culprit of the most heinous action-cow tippin’ or bovine bowling.
Boufanti and i just sat there in the mud and waited for the farmers decision. I was sure that we were going to jail if not being killed, and suddenly death didn’t sound so bad.
Finally, the farmer came forward and offered me a hand, “Here you go, young lady.” I let him help me up and watched him help Boufanti up.
“I have question for you kids,” The farmer said, “Why do cows need tippin’?”
I don’t really have an answer really, I’m a victim of peer pressure. I can’t really say that because, well, that sounds really bad. Boufanti, was silent as well, so i gathered that he didn’t have an answer either.
“Well?” The farmer asked, raising his shotgun.
“Because we thought it would be fun?” I asked, hoping that i wouldn’t hear a loud crack in the next 5 seconds.
“That’s the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard.” He said, then shook his head, “Well, come on in and get cleaned up the best you can. We’ll have a visit.”
We followed him into his house which was decorated, big surprise, in cow/bovine theme. I took my now thoroughly mudded converse and left them at the door and the farmer pointed to the bathroom, “There’s the bathroom but, i don’t think that’ll help much. Come on, and follow me.” I looked to Boufanti, who shrugged, but I was worried. I’d seen “Walker, Texas Ranger” and knew that we could end up being the farmers third and fourth wives, with mandatory whippings at the whipping pole!
The farmer led us to his backyard where he was hooking up a hose. No, i was not being hosed down. No way, I may have acted like an idiot, sure, but no hose!
“Come on, now” the farmer said irritatedly when neither boufanti or i moved, “i could call the cops instead.”
I stepped forward with Boufanti as the farmer began to spray us down. Jeez the water is cold! I thought and huddled to Boufanti, who was taking it like a man. Yeah, whatever Mr. Ricky Pattinson. “C’mon, girl, you’re not going get clean until you just endure it.” I exhaled and squeezed my eyes shut and let the cold water consume me.
After getting cleaned up the farmer made us some coffee. Nice warm brown coffee.
“So, y’all thought it’d be funny to tip over my cows,” the farmer said, “Well, what if someone tipped you over while you were having yourself a nap?”
“That’s happened before,” i said absentmindedly. Stupid Tum-tum. One afternoon last spring, no one was in the store and i began to doze at the front counter. Tum-tum came by and just pushed me over. I woke up from when my face slapped the faux carpet from the store.
“Did you like it?” He asked
“No, stupid Tum-Tum,” I said bitterly.
“Is that the little fella that works over at the bookstore?” The Farmer asked
“Which bookstore?”Boufanti asked. He was probably trying to protect Tum-tum and Thoreau with the fact that we had a Barnes’N'Nobles in town.
“The only one i go to, ” The Farmer said, “The one with the uniform she’s wearing.”
“Yeah,” I said. I was so getting fired.
“I love that little fella,” The Farmer smiled warmly, “He just reads those romance novels and eats M&M’s. He wouldn’t hurt a soul.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. Stupid Tum-Tum.
“You know,” the Farmer added pointedly, “He’d never tip a cow.”
Just then a little plastic hot dog fell in the middle of the room. What the–? The farmer looked down at the little plastic hot dog and we all watched as it wound it’s little rubber-band motor along an attached string. That little hot-dog looked familiar and i looked to Boufanti who was trying not to laugh. I watched as the farmer followed the little plastic hot dog to the kitchen and right to the kitchen door. Boufanti grabbed me and we made for the front door, when we opened the front door Thoreau was waiting for us; he quirked an eyebrow at Boufanti and I, then yelled, “Purple Pink Unicorns!”
From behind me i heard the Farmer say, “What the the-?” I hazarded a look behind me to see a mud-clad Tum-Tum wearing sequin sandals, on a cow. O hell, i thought, as Boufanti grabbed my hand and we ran for the Aspire.
Once, inside the Aspire I turned to Boufanti, “What about Tum-Tum?”
Thoreau answered, “Just wait.”
Sure enough, about a minute later, from where i don’t know, Tum-Tum emerged in the backseat and we were off to the Tiki Toppi Pizza Shoppie.
“What kind of plan was that?” I asked.
“Well, weren’t going to leave you,” Tum-Tum said, “And all i had was the hot-dog key chain and pair of sandals for my mom.”
“So, we decided a shock and awe strategy was best,” Thoreau interjected calmly.
“Yeah,” I said quietly. I love my friends, but sometimes they scare me.
“No more stops until the Pizza Plopsy, agreed?” Boufanti said. To which all of us heartily agreed.
