The music changed from the Vanilla Ice to some song I didn’t recognize, but one that enthused Teenie-Booper Thing1 and her compadres. I took this as my cue to get off my friends and return my skates, that and the fact that i was starting to get used to the sweaty-popcorn-vomit smell that they were emitting…and that scared me. Anyway, once we got back to my Ford Aspire Tum-Tum shoved himself in the shotgun seat before Boufanti could even scoff in his o-so-posh manner.
“So, what is next on the map?” I asked, not directing my question to anyone in particular.
“I’m not sure but the picture on the map looks like Principal Whittier’s house,” Tum-Tum said. Thoreau, whose age i really don’t know, cleared his throat, “Robbert is still at the High School?”
“Robbert?” I asked pointedly, hoping Thoreau’s character would break for a moment and give me a conclusive answer instead of a poetically cryptic one. “You know McGregor High School’s principal on a first name basis?”
“We are so much more than our vocation and employment.” Was Thoreau’s only answer. I looked into the rearview mirror to Boufanti who rolled his eyes and looked out the window.
“I know that, but aren’t you like…close to our age?” I asked. I couldn’t hold it in any longer
“It is hard to see one’s self as to look backwards without turning around.”
“Wait,” Tum-Tum said holding up his hands, “Who is Robbert?”
“Principal Whittier,” I said quickly to Tum-Tum then turned to Thoreau, “So, do you know where he lives?”
“Map,” Bouffanti, who had said little since getting back in the car, said softly.
We finally got to Principal Whittier’s house and I pulled out my copy of the map. Scrawled by the same hand that drew the map were the words, No man without An can walk on land, but is forever doomed to stand. What the heck does that mean? I looked to the backseat to Thoreau for any direction or insight. But, nothing came from him. Tum-Tum, on the other hand…
“What in the wide wide world of sports and spandex does that mean?” Tum-Tum unashamedly asked. “I mean we get all the way out here only to embarass ourselves infront of the principal? What if he calls me mom? Or what if this is just some plot to kill? Or worse-” You know when someone is listing stuff and then uses the phrase “or worse” only to add the most nefarious circumstance imaginable? Well, Tum-Tum did the listing and the phrase, then the puase but didn’t say anything.
“Or worse what?” Bouffanti asked after a beat.
“I don’t know,” Tum-Tum looked at him irritatedly, as if he had not said anything in the first place.
“I think this is just a stoner’s map, a prank,” Bouffanti said quietly. I felt my heart drop. I didn’t want this night to be over, especially not like this. Tum-Tum looked to me, “Epi, tell me that isn’t true.”
I wanted to assure him, and myself, that we were on a fun adventure to find something-anything. But, i couldn’t. I couldn’t even say anything to him. Thoreau silently got out of the Aspire. The small car lifted a little, relieved of Thoreau’s weight. Not that he had much, but you know, an Aspire is a tiny car. I didn’t say anything and soon Tum-Tum got out of the car too, and walked around the car to join Thoreau. This was the most depressing thing that had happened to me since finding out that Rock Hudson was gay.
“Well, atleast we got to have fun,” Bouffanti smiled to me and put a hand on mine.
“Yeah,” I tried to smile back.
“Look,” Bouffanti said, his eyes suddenly turning serious.
“Yeah?”
“This has been one of the weirdest, most strange night,” Bouffanti began and i braced myself for an inevitable snooty response. It is amazing what people will endure from someone else when they are hot. “But, it has been the most fun I’ve had…ever.”
I felt my eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “Uh…me too,” I smiled. I realized that i meant it.
“And part of that was be-” But, his sentence was blocked out by a Tum-Tum scream. I jerked my head towards Principal Whittier’s lawn and saw that his front porch light had come on and a man with a shotgun was taking aim at us. In that instant, I didn’t do the brave thing-nope, not by a long shot. I ducked under the steering column of the car and covered my head with my hands. Bouffanti, on the other hand, did the ultra-selfless courageous thing and covered me with himself. Together, we braced ourselves for the impact of our doom. This is it, I know it, we are going to die. There is no other hand, I am prepared to mee the creator and-nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. I looked up.
“Robbert?” I heard Thoreau asked.
“Ra-”Whittier began but was cut off by Thoreau, “It is you. How are you Robbert?”
“Fine, but what are you doing here with three children?”
“Principal Whittier!” Tum-Tum yelled and charged into him to give him a hug. Got to hand it to Tum-Tum, nothing but affection.
By this time both Bouffanti and I got out of the Aspire and walked up to join Thoreau. “Robbert?” I heard a female voice call. I looked down at my watch and realized it was nearing on ten o’clock. A red-haired woman emerged in a long t-shirt with a dog’s mug printed on it.
“Oh,” she said congenially. “Well, why don’t you guys come in?”
“I’m sorry Godrun, but we are looking for something.” Thoreau answered.
“Epiphany Slater? Is that you?” Whittier asked straining to see in the darkness.
“Yes, sir,” I answered.
“You just graduated didn’t you? What college will you be attending?”
“I don’t know. Probably State.” I answered awkwardly. Leave it to an adult to ask a question like that when a car full of teenagers appear on your lawn at ten o’clock at night. I glanced at Bouffanti who was looking at me, it appeared that he was trying to hide his face from Whittier. Probably trying to avoid the same questions.
“And Petri Petrovich? I didn’t know you two knew each other.” Whittier said warmly, insinuating something. I blushed but Bouffanti the Brave once again emerged.
“We just met, sir. We are trying to solve a riddle.”
“And you thought coming to me for help at ten o’clock at night was the answer?” Whittier asked.
“Not really, Robbert.” Thoreau interjected, “We are looking for something so we can move on.”
“Like a scavenger hunt?” The red-haired woman asked enthusiastically. She had, in the past five minutes, gained an affectionate tumor named Tum-Tum. She had wrapped her arms over him in a motherly embrace. “O what a time! To be a kid again!” she added.
“Godrun,” Whittier said sternly, then addressed us, “Well, you might as well leave. Come back tomorrow and we’ll help.”
“No, Robb. I think we should help them out now. What is the riddle?”
Tum-Tum unfolded himself from her arms and excitedly answered, “No man without An can walk on land, but is forever doomed to stand.”
I looked to Whittier and saw his face tighten. But, he didn’t answer. “Why don’t you guys come inside?” he said instead.
For some reason, I thought that going into the house of your high school principal was just too weird. “Why don’t we stay on the porch?” I suggested. Whittier perked up a little.
Godrun, Whittier’s wife I gathered, hurmmphed but finally acqueisced. “Can i atleast offer you some hot chocolate?”
“Yeah!” Tum-Tum cheered.
Godrun disappeared into the house and I pulled out the map. Whittier’s face tightened again and I pondered putting it away and then pulling it out again to see his face contract-then-relax, contract-then-relax, but that’s just mean.
Godrun came out of the house with three mugs and gave one to me and Bouffanti. Bouffanti blew on his and took a sip, he looked like a TV commercial. “I’ll be right back with another one for you, Ra-”
“I brought my own mug,” Thoreau said quickly and pulled out his 90s-Power Ranger mug and gave it to her, Whittier’s face paled but he remained silent. Once, we all were settled and Thoreau had his hot chocolate Godrun asked, “Okay, so what is the riddle again?”
“No man without An can stand on land, but is forever doomed to stand.” Bouffanti said from beside me. We both were sitting on the swinging bench while Tum-Tum shared a bench with Godrun, I mean Mrs. Whittier. Thoreau was in a rocking chair across from us and Whittier leaned against he doorjamb. I tried to imagine what we looked like from the street. Maybe a family finishing up after a dinner party, or maybe a few kids who were in trouble being scolded, or…i couldn’t come up with many more scenarios.
“I had a friend named Anne once,” Godrun offered.
“It doesn’t look like a name. It’s spelt An. But, it could be i guess,” Bouffanti chimed in.
“So, if a dude doesn’t have an An then he can’t walk?” Tum-Tum asked.
Thoreau and Bouffanti snickered and I looked at them about to ask when Thoreau leaned forward and said, “Just think about it for a minute, Epi.”
Realization dawned on me and i rolled my eyes. Boys! “So, you guys think An is a euphimism for…?”
Whittier chuckled but continued to say nothing. The conversation continued and i started to get tired.
I looked around the porch and saw a gnome at one one corner of the porch. Ugh! I hate gnomes, they are creepy. When i was like eight i used to have nightmares that gnomes would come after me in my sleep and tie me to my bed and then murder me. It was horrible! And this one was especially ugle with a purple had, red nose, and blue shirt! I shivered and Bouffanti scooted a little closer to me. “Cold?” he whispered. I nodded, i didn’t want to admit that i was afraid of Gnomes.
“We think that this may be the end of the map. Like some group of kids wrote this map with gobbledy-gook just to be funny. Really, we shouldn’t have even bothered with it.” I said shrugging while still eyeing that gnome, I just know that once i take my eyes off of it it will come after me.
“Wait,” I said grabbing my map and looking for a pen, “Does anyone have a pen?”
“Oh, i do!” Tum-Tum said raising his hand, like he was the first to get the right answer in class. He pulled out his dog change purse thing and from that drew a tiny pen.
“Oh, how darling,” Godrun said looking at the dog-bag thing.
I took the pen and wrote while talking,” If we spell out the Riddle and make Man and An nouns then follow the directions…” I continued writing only to see that if we take out An from Man then we get M. That doesn’t make sense.
“That doesn’t make sense though,” Tum-Tum said dejectedly.
“But, if we add No then we get No M.” Bouffanti said. That still didn’t make sense. NoM?
“Say it out loud” Thoreau said, suddenly invigorized, “Nom. Nom as in Vietnam or No-mmm. Gnome! Gnome!”
I looked back to my nemisis.
Godrun, “You kids can take that thing. I hate it. I’ve tried to get rid of it but, Robb insists on keeping it.”
“You can have it,” Whittier said with a husky voice. He looked like he was struggling with something but, waved the Gnome to us.
“No, you can have it Principal Whittier,” I said. I am not taking that thing with me anywhere!
“Epi!” TUm-Tum pleaded,” We figured it out, we can’t just give up now.”
“Yeah, we can Tum-Tum. I draw the line at creepy myth creatures that kill you in your sleep.”
Everyone on the porch just stared at me, and Bouffanti-trying to contain himself from laughter-asked, “Are you afraid of Gnomes?”
“Yeah, so? You wanna make something out of it?” I asked fiercely. I’ll fight anyone about Gnomes. They are of Satan!
“No, it’s okay. let’s just look at the Gnome,” Thoreau suggested diplomatically.
We looked the Gnome over, and by “we” i mean we in the larger context of a team or organization. Like at work, “we’ll need to push those Curious George Novelty Poncho’s” when really it means that one part of the team does it. So, with the Gnome I’m just not part of that particular peice of the organization.
“Nothing,” Bouffanti said, disappointed.
“Yep, I got nothing either,” Thoreau said quietly.
Impatient I exhaled and got up from the swing bench and walked over to the Gnome. After looking it over I picked it up and turned it upside down to look at the base to see a series of numbers. I took Tum-Tum’s mini-pen and wrote them down.
“It looks like a phone number.” I said. Bouffanti pulled out his iPhone (leave it to Bouffanti to have an iPhone) and dialed the number and put it on speaker. We all huddled around it.
“Tiki Toppie Pizza Shoppie,” A perky female voice picked up. When no one answered she asked, “Hello? Hello? Anyone there? Is this Hamster and Log again? Quit prank calling us we don’t make Grill on Grill Pizza’s or Sausage in Olive Surprise Pizza or any other disgusting thing you come up with!” She started to really yell so we just hung up.
“Okay, to Tiki Toppie Pizza Shoppie we go!” I said cheerfully. I was so happy that our night wasn’t over and there was still more to this map. Maybe there really is something to this!
“We wouldn’t have gotten the asnwer without you, Epi,” Tum-Tum said. Note to self: remember to put some M&M’s in Tum-Tum’s locker.
“Yeah, without the brains of the operation,” I teased.
“Honey, we usually are,” Godrun said giving me a sisterly wink. “Okay, kids, have fun!”
“And you two,” Whittier, Robb, said pulling Bouffanti and I aside, “Remember, it never matters what side you find yourself on, it matters what side you choose to be on.”
“Okay,” I said respectfully. And Bouffanti gave a contemplative nod.
Once, away from hearing distance Bouffanti asked, “what the hell does that mean?”
